Dead Heart

I am not sure if anyone actually reads this or not, but I just need to get some of this stuff out and this seems the easiest way to do it.

I have been in college a year and a half now and it hasn't been the best of time. I have had multiple roommates and haven't really dealt well with most of them. Some were okay, we just didn't mesh as well as other people do. Some were rude a lot of the time, even though he probably wasn't trying to be rude. One I am still not sure about, because we were good friends till we started rooming with each other and we just split apart it seems. Then one in particular I just can't seem to stand. He hurt me greatly and for some reason it is really hard to get over that fact. I have tried and tried greatly, and at times it seems like I am over the whole ordeal. But today was like a shot in the heart when I found out that he and my ex are engaged now. They have been dating for exactly as long as we have been broken up. The thing is pretty much they started liking each other before we were broken up. I think that is one of the things that hurts the most. But still it hurts to know that. But I just need to get over it.

Right now it seems like life sucks then you die. I know life doesn't suck. It has a lot of great things with it. But it's tough. Especially for an ole romantic like myself. Always wanting to be together with friends, but lately that doesn't seem like something that will happen any time soon. I had a group of friends that I hung out with all the time last year, but this semester we seemed to split away a bit. They stopped calling or texting me when something was going on, but I find out on facebook the next day of everything that happened. So it't like I am losing all my friends. I think I spent all my free time last semester either in my room or the same place I worked at because I didn't feel welcome anywhere else.

Why must I always have problems with feeling welcome? I don't know, life I guess. I will just have to live on and see what the next semester brings. I can't do anything to change what has happened in the past, and the future is a mystery. All I have is this present moment. What I chose to do with it is up to me. I am thinking I will just start life over again, see where that gets me. If I enjoy it I will continue on with it. If not, I will have to chose a new life. Whatever happens, happens. I will just be me, whoever that is.

Late night fun

I finally finished my essay for my history class Monday morning at six and got it turned in, and found out I got a 94 on it, which I am really proud off. I only wrote it in an hour and a half, so how I pulled off a 94 still surprises me. But today went well, bought "How to Train Your Dragon", and helped judge the homecoming doors, banners, and windows. Then helped Lauren with some math before Leadership team. Afterwards I went and watched the first half of The movie with Lauren and Ashleigh!! Which was really great, can't wait to finish the other half tomorrow night. Well thats all i have for now I will post more tomorrow

Woah.. Busy

I have been thinking the past few weeks, and I found out it is really hard for me to say no to someone who needs help, no matter what all I have to get done. I found out I am going to be helping with the judging contest because a friend is sick and needs a replacement fast. I wasn't doing anything at the time of the judging so I said I could help. I still have a paper to write for history due in 24 hours, wait 23 hours and 50 minutes. Well I better wrap this up and get started on that. I will post later tonight when I get a chance.

Happy Day

I can't believe it, I woke up this morning and finally got to go back to the church I started going to at the end of last year, First Baptist Church of Greenville. They all remembered me even though I haven't been there since May, and I got to work with the youth again during Sunday school. I couldn't stop smiling. I can't believe how much I have missed going, and now gonna try to go every Sunday from now on. I wish I could go on Wednesday's but I have a class that gets out at 5:45 and I don't got a car so I can't make it, which really saddens me, but I will deal, that's all I can do.

Wanderer

Today for the most part I felt like just another person on this Earth, just wandering on, not really going anywhere. Though I know I am in college, and studying to become a High School Math teacher, I didn't really do much today or talk to that many people, which tends to make me feel that there isn't anyone that really cares. Though later on today I decided to go to the TAMU-Commerce football game. Third one I have been to all semester actually, which beats out my old record of well one.

Even though the main reason I actually went was because I told one of my friends I would go watch the Color Guard and Marching Band preform. I was just sitting by myself because I didn't go there with anyone, so I didn't feel very comfortable asking people I knew if I could sit with them, because I didn't want to feel like I was interrupting anything. But during the second quarter, Clay saw me and told me to come up and sit with the group he was here with, and I had a lot of fun hanging with Clay and them. I don't really get to hang out with them much outside of the BSM so I had a great time. Then I got to watch the Half Time Show, and see the friend I told I would come preform :) It was very exciting.

Though now the day has come to a close, and I am actually feeling a bit happier now, though a bit nervous as well, though I know I shouldn't be. It's just I have been acting a bit different than I normally do, but it is a good change, and I have been much happier with it, because I am much closer to God, but it also makes me a bit nervous sometimes, because it isn't what I am used to. Well maybe everything will work out fine tomorrow, I just have to wait and see.

What to do??

Okay, I know I haven't really kept up with this all summer like I planned to, but thanks to a very special friend of mine, I am going to start this up again. So a special thanks to her!! (You should know who you are)

This semester didn't start out all that well. There was a lot of confusing things happening but lately thanks to God and a few great friends, I have been able to get though it, and get my life straightened back up again. Though now lately I have had one thing in my mind the past few days, and I can't seem to get it out of my head. I want to do what God wants me to do, but I have no idea what He wants me to do in this situation, because I can go on with life without acting on what I am thinking because it actually involves asking someone something, but I have no idea how things would turn out if I do say anything about it. Sometimes I wish I knew all the answers cause the waiting game is not a very fun game.

To many thoughts

I need to start updating this on like a bi-daily basis because to much goes through my head to actually post in a blog once a day. But anyway I have made a few friends that I have been talking to online. They seem really nice, and help me take my mind off of all the drama that everyone else seems to be going though. What stinks is not all the drama that they go through, but that I really can't help them with any of the problems that they are going though. It's to the point that I don't have any of the answers.
I am actually starting to feel like a l'Cie (Yes I know I am a nerd, it is a type of person on Final Fantasy XIII) who doesn't know his focus and so doesn't know of the right path to take, or what to do. But how is that different from how I felt a few years ago. But anyways, hopefully tomorrow I will start walking around Terrell because I am starting to spend to much time playing Final Fantasy XIII as you can see by reading above. It is such an addicting game though. I just got to the part where it is all free roam instead of just following the waypoints and hearing the storyline. I also need to catch up on Dr. Who and start Glee from the beginning so I can catch up on it. I am so far behind.

The reality of dreams

It is a few days into the third week of summer, so far I have been to my uncles to help clean some more but I got to say my favorite part so far was going to Commerce last Wednesday with Amy. She had to pack up to move out of her apartment, and since she lives in Kemp, She has to drive right through Terrell to get to Commerce. My friend Joseph who lives in Commerce offered to let me stay at his house that night as long as Amy could pick me up, so I got to see some friends that I have been missing all summer. We went swimming and watched Lost on Wednesday night, which was a lot of fun. Joseph and I didn't get to sleep till around 3 Thursday morning.

Andrew and Nathan woke me up though, cause Andrew had to go to work and Nathan decided to play a little Dragon Age before he went off to do what he normally does during the day. (shush just so everyone knows he is secretly a ninja, don't let anyone know I told you). But anyway, after they both left I was bored so while I was waiting for Joseph to get up so we could go ride bikes, I started my file on FFXIII (Final Fantasy 13 for all those who doesn't know what FFXIII stands for).

Joseph woke up finally and we left, not even five minutes of riding, Joseph wiped out, which was funny (even he was laughing) so we turned back so he could take some medicine then we rode for about two miles, till we went to go swim at the rec and play some basketball with Bryan and Jeremiah. I actually won one of the games we played which was called two bounce. Then we played a game of two on two, which i found out I am very good at Three pointers. (I know hard to believe huh)

But finally in the end I had to leave Commerce that night with Amy cause she wanted to get home, but I had fun so I can't complain. Hopefully I will get to go back and hang out again soon. But since I have been home I have been trying to catch up on FFXIII cause it is such a great game, that I just got on the third disk, but I looked up online, and I just got halfway through the game, so I still got about 20 or 30 hours of constant gaming to go to beat it. :) well I will get on again hopefully tomorrow, I plan on making this a daily thing, it just doesn't cross my mind at times.

My first blog...

Now bare with me, this is the first blog I have ever done, and I am not much used to keeping any kind of record of what I do. Also I am more of a poet than just a writer. So here we go!

I have been out of college one week, trying to keep myself busy but just hasn't worked out the first week cause i caught a cold the on Monday, so I slept all the time till about Thursday. I couldn't sleep that night though, so I watched all the episodes of the new season of LOST so I could get ready for the finale. But Friday and Saturday I helped out my Grandma plant her flower bed. It got me the money to pick up both Splinter Cell: Conviction, and Final Fantasy XIII, and I also picked up a game for my sister cause she has been looking for it as well.

Sunday I cleaned out our family's storage building so we could make some room in there, and then went swimming with my cousin. I don't know if it was the sun in cleaning out the storage building or the lake but My right arm got burnt, well so did my left but not as bad. And today or well Monday seeing how its 12:24 right now, so its Tuesday now. But got some good news today. A friend is coming through Terrell Wednesday to go to Commerce, and she is gonna pick me up and I am gonna hang with her and a few other friends Wednesday and Thursday. So I am excited. This summer has been boring so far. Since my family moved as soon as college started last fall, I don't really know anyone out here, and it's not out in the country so I can't just go out and walk. So I have been stuck in the house doing nothing but either reading or playing games or watching TV, it gets so boring here. Well I am running out of things to write right now, so I will get back here in a day or so.